I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
