those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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