Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
