How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
