Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My vagina is officially offended.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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