It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
