I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
