Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
