On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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