I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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