Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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