Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
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