Having a random hookup so left but love u
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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