She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
