I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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