I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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