I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
