We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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