A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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