The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
40s are totally the cure
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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