what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
