the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
