I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
