did you get engaged???
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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