He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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