Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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