I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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