I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
