whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
