I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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