theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You are a genius and a whore.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
