Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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