It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
