Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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