I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
