he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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