I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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