WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
