i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
