Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
