eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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