Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
