girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
