I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
This is my gift to your gina
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
