in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize