i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
