Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Randomize
