She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
