I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
