Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
