i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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