Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
