a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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