i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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