she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
and you fell through a lawn chair
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
