Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I lost the right to judge tonight
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
